quarta-feira, 16 de novembro de 2011
quarta-feira, 7 de setembro de 2011
Times they are a-changin...
Eu sei que o singinficado da música é muito mais politico e humanitário que psicologico, que o sentido dessa musica não era exatamente introspectivo, era sim sobre uma mudança de cultura; mas vou tomar a liberdade de usá-la para um sentido bem pessoal. Afinal, como se muda o externo, o ambiente, sem mudar o que se tem por dentro, o que se pensa e se sente?
Ainda há uma sensação de mudança e transição a minha volta, para se te uma ideia, comecei este texto há quase um mês e agora que voltei para decidir se me sinto da mesma forma ou não para concluí-lo, vi que sim: ainda sinto que tudo a minha volta está mudando, eu mesma estou, esse processo não acabou e eu estou o aproveitando muito.
Estranhamente, sempre me senti mais tranquila e segura quando estou em um período de mudanças que na calmaria, fico mais ansiosa com o ócio e com a estabilidade, pois não sei até quando vai durar nem o que fazer com isso. Já em épocas de mudanças, posso montar um plano, um estratagema, repensar minha vida, decidir e agir. Em clamaria, sou obrigada a depender muito da reação dos outros e... aguardar.
Estranhamente, sempre me senti mais tranquila e segura quando estou em um período de mudanças que na calmaria, fico mais ansiosa com o ócio e com a estabilidade, pois não sei até quando vai durar nem o que fazer com isso. Já em épocas de mudanças, posso montar um plano, um estratagema, repensar minha vida, decidir e agir. Em clamaria, sou obrigada a depender muito da reação dos outros e... aguardar.
Essa é aquela massa de não-sei-o-que que não consigo mudar, mudo tudo, adoro mudar, mas isso - aprender a aguardar - não sei nem por onde começar, não sei aguardar. Mas talvez nessa mais nova fase de mudanças, que - ainda bem - não se repete, não é nem será igual a nenhuma outra, talvez nessa eu aprenda a desemaranhar mais um pedaço dessa massa e aprenda, não a me conformar, mas a aguardar que eventos aconteçam sem minha interferência.
For now, let them change...
For now, let them change...
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'
quarta-feira, 29 de junho de 2011
Renewal
That's the word: Renewal.
I'm feeling it, I do not know if more friends or people close to me can notice or feel the same. But I think they'll notice this transition when it's done (if it ever ends).
No, my friends, I'm not using drugs (yet), but I'm serious.
Feel it: Soul Sacrifice -- Carlos Santana
And that's just begining...
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I'm feeling it, I do not know if more friends or people close to me can notice or feel the same. But I think they'll notice this transition when it's done (if it ever ends).
No, my friends, I'm not using drugs (yet), but I'm serious.
Feel it: Soul Sacrifice -- Carlos Santana
And that's just begining...
quinta-feira, 23 de junho de 2011
sexta-feira, 17 de junho de 2011
My Inspiration
Forever Young - Bob Dylan
May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.
May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.
May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.
May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.
May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.
May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.
segunda-feira, 13 de junho de 2011
Grey
Algo de muito errado está acontecendo... Não comigo (desta vez), pessoas que eu amo estão sofrendo muito, mas parece que tem sido uma avalanche, uma fila de peças de dominó, uma a uma desmoronando e eu não sei o que fazer. Queria poder entrar na cabeça de cada uma, no coração de cada uma e tirar a unha o que quer que esteja as afligindo (now that was disgusting), simplesmente virar um grãozinho microscópico, entrar pelo ouvido, chegar até o cérebro (não me pergunte como chegar lá... nem como encolher) e desativar esse pedaço da memória em seu cerebelo, ou desativar esse sentimento em seu córtex frontal (nice, o que cada parte do cérebro faz eu sei, mas como chegar do ouvido ao cérebro, ain't got a clue!), mas como não posso o que fazer?
Meu melhor amigo, uma das pessoas que mais amo no mundo está sofrendo, muito, e eu não sei mais no que ajudar. Não me digam para conversar, estar lá, dar apoio, eu quase o faço enjoar da minha voz dos meus e-mails, de tanto que eu o persigo, mas... ele não quer mais conversar. Ele não querer falar me dói mais que se ele falasse alguma atrocidade, falasse em suicídio, em assassinato, em sumir do mapa, porque pelo menos se ele desabafasse atrocidades eu saberia o quão mal ele está, falaria alguma coisa ou só o abraçaria até parar de chorar, daria uma injeção de Valium, qualquer coisa, mas se ele não quer nem falar... não sei. Não sei o que se passa na cabeça dele, não sei até longe ele foi em seus pensamentos e não sei o que posso fazer para amenizar a dor. Acho que é assim que mãe deve se sentir quando um filho está com dor, não se tem o que fazer, dá-se remédio, um beijo na testa e?... Horas, dias, meses de agonia até surtir efeito, com uma vontade de arrancar a dor a força da criança, não se tem mais o que fazer.
E agora? O que fazer? Não tem remédio, o remédio ou o médico que poderiam ajudá-lo ele não quer nem ouvir falar; não tem beijo na testa, ele não quer me ver; não se tem o que fazer.
Cai chuva do céu cinzento
Que não tem razão de ser.
Até o meu pensamento
Tem chuva nele a escorrer.
Tenho uma grande tristezaQue não tem razão de ser.
Até o meu pensamento
Tem chuva nele a escorrer.
Acrescentada à que sinto.
Quero dizer-ma mas pesa
O quanto comigo minto.
Porque verdadeiramente
Não sei se estou triste ou não.
E a chuva cai levemente
(Porque Verlaine consente)
Dentro do meu coração.
Não posso culpá-lo por não querer sentir nada, eu adoraria não me importar com ninguém, nem comigo mesma para não sofrer. Adoraria não me importar com besterias que os outros dizem, com o que esperam de nós, nem com o futuro que eu espero ter; queria não me importar com a solidão e com a falta do que eu nem lembro direito o que é me faz (não estou falando de sexo, suas mentes deturpadas... ou pelo menos não só de sexo); adoraria não dar a mínima, not a single fuck. But I can't.
We are doomed to suffer, but we are also gifted with pleasures that can only be estimated after some grieving.
At least it is in that I believe...
Now that's a good one...
Tangled up in Blue - Bob Dylan
Early one morning the sun was shining
I was laying in bed
Wond'ring if she'd changed it all
If her hair was still red
Her folks they said our lives together
Sure was gonna be rough
They never did like Mama's homemade dress
Papa's bankbook wasn't big enough
And I was standing on the side of the road
Rain falling on my shoes
Heading out for the East Coast
Lord knows I've paid some dues getting through
Tangled up in blue.
She was married when we first met
Soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam I guess
But I used a little too much force
We drove that car as far as we could
Abandoned it out West
Split it up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best
She turned around to look at me
As I was walking away
I heard her say over my shoulder
"We'll meet again someday on the avenue"
Tangled up in blue.
I had a job in the great north woods
Working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the axe just fell
So I drifted down to New Orleans
Where I happened to be employed
Working for a while on a fishing boat
Right outside of Delacroix
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.
She was working in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer
I just kept looking at her side of her face
In the spotlight so clear
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I's just about to do the same
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me "Don't I know your name ?"
I muttered something underneath my breath
She studied the lines on my face
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe
Tangled up in blue.
She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never say hello" she said
"You look like the silent type"
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet
From the thirteenth century
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burning coal
Pouring off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you
Tangled up in blue
I lived with them on Montague Street
In a basement down the stairs
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air
Then he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of him died
She had to sell everything she owned
And froze up inside
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue.
So now I'm going back again
I got to get her somehow
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now
Some are mathematicians
Some are carpenter's wives
Don't know how it all got started
I don't what they're doing with their lives
But me I'm still on the road
Heading for another joint
We always did feel the same
We just saw it from a different point of view
Tangled up in Blue
Early one morning the sun was shining
I was laying in bed
Wond'ring if she'd changed it all
If her hair was still red
Her folks they said our lives together
Sure was gonna be rough
They never did like Mama's homemade dress
Papa's bankbook wasn't big enough
And I was standing on the side of the road
Rain falling on my shoes
Heading out for the East Coast
Lord knows I've paid some dues getting through
Tangled up in blue.
She was married when we first met
Soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam I guess
But I used a little too much force
We drove that car as far as we could
Abandoned it out West
Split it up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best
She turned around to look at me
As I was walking away
I heard her say over my shoulder
"We'll meet again someday on the avenue"
Tangled up in blue.
I had a job in the great north woods
Working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the axe just fell
So I drifted down to New Orleans
Where I happened to be employed
Working for a while on a fishing boat
Right outside of Delacroix
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.
She was working in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer
I just kept looking at her side of her face
In the spotlight so clear
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I's just about to do the same
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me "Don't I know your name ?"
I muttered something underneath my breath
She studied the lines on my face
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe
Tangled up in blue.
She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
"I thought you'd never say hello" she said
"You look like the silent type"
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet
From the thirteenth century
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burning coal
Pouring off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you
Tangled up in blue
I lived with them on Montague Street
In a basement down the stairs
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air
Then he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of him died
She had to sell everything she owned
And froze up inside
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keeping on like a bird that flew
Tangled up in blue.
So now I'm going back again
I got to get her somehow
All the people we used to know
They're an illusion to me now
Some are mathematicians
Some are carpenter's wives
Don't know how it all got started
I don't what they're doing with their lives
But me I'm still on the road
Heading for another joint
We always did feel the same
We just saw it from a different point of view
Tangled up in Blue
quarta-feira, 8 de junho de 2011
Songs that express my... nevermind
Ok, essa diz muito sobre meu último post, então só vou curtir... I invite you all to do the same...
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces, fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you, And all you know, And how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me, somebody
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
I've been roaming around,
Always looking down at all I see...
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces, fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you, And all you know, And how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me, somebody
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
I've been roaming around,
Always looking down at all I see...
Awwww Yeeeaaaahhh!!!
Ok, ok, ok, devo admitir que paguei com a língua... ELE LIGOOOOUUUU me procurou, tivemos um final de semana sensacional e agora estou deeeeply in love!!!!!
E pode parar com a palhaçada, não vem com essa de que eu dependo dos outros para ser feliz, que sou co-dependente, se não me dão incentivos (puppy treats, actually) fico deprimida e o mínimo de reconhecimento, bola, etc., que me dão já fico transbordando de alegria, pode parar de reclamar. Eu apenas tive um final de semana sensacional, estou transbordando de felicidade e estou apaixonada. Ponto.
Não precisamos analisar o que isso quer dizer, me submeter ao sentimento alheio, não precisamos especular quando aquela nuvenzinha negra vai voltar a rondar meu céu ensolarado... certo?
Afinal de contas, ir bem nas provas, ir bem no trabalho, estar feliz na minha casa e ainda por cima apaixonada acontece na vida de um monte de gente, por que não pode acontecer na minha? Não é por isso que eu vou ficar esperando que algo dê errado, não é porque tudo vai estranhamente bem que algo ruim está a espreita, prestes a explodir na minha frente. I guess... Ok, eu estou morrendo de medo, está tudo dando muito certo, algo de ruim vai acontecer, eu sei, eu sinto, estou prevendo, me antecipando, imaginando um plano de ação e um de consolo - afinal de contas era de se esperar que acontecesse, não? - , mas como pode demorar muito para acontecer e eu posso ficar ansiosa, doente, obsecada para saber o que de ruim vai acontecer enquanto eu posso simplesmente antecipar e fazer alguma cagada para desencadear tudo e finalmente ver a merda que vai dar (pois ia dar de qualquer jeito), chorar, remediar, reclamar da vida, mas pelo menos não sofrer a ansiedade de ver a merda acontecer.
Eu consigo mais que isso, não? Não ouse responder.
quarta-feira, 1 de junho de 2011
Enough
Haven't I waited enough? So now what? Time to move on? It really sucks, I feel lonely, depressed, I'm broke and... broke. (Broke)². Yeah, maybe I should focus on that before complaining about a guy who doesn't call me back. The thing is, I can't help thinking I'm not good enough and I'll end up alone and sad if a regular guy just don't call me back. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I can't fight it.
Am I just putting all this frustration in a guy who doesn't call? Maybe my whole life sucks and I'm blaming this all in one reason, it's an easier pain to deal with than analyzing and over analyzing everything else, so instead of feeling rejected, I could realize I don't care that much about this guy, I hardly know him and I could concentrate in stuff that really matters to try to figure those out, right? WRONG! I'M FREAKING OCD, I can't deal with bad closure and I get obsessed with things pretty easily!! I'm writing stuff down because in some deep corner of my mind I've decided to write on this blog everytime I feel sad and anxious, so I don't explode!!! But I still do it with all my heart, my beloved (and inexistent) readers!! =D
Ok, I'm gonna deal with it with less emotion and anxiety, just call the guy, move on and get a loan. Whatever I need first!
segunda-feira, 23 de maio de 2011
Learn how to wait
So, I'm supposed to learn how to wait... I've figured out I just don't know how to wait for something to happen, I always run everything, I rushing things up, I demand for a definition before it's meant to be given, until it comes up much worse then it was supposed to do, just all wrong, you know? But I usually prefere a crappy ending rather then waiting too long for something that has a 50% probability to go right, after all, I was waiting for the worst, right? So since I'm prepared for that, there's nothing to lose rushing things up, I save myself from a long time (usualy a few days) of anxiety and expectations - I can't take that agony - so why not quit that crappy waiting room and get the bad news after all, huh?
But now I'm curious to see how things might come out if I just wait them to happen on their own, maybe the chances of things coming out for the best are even bigger then these random 50%, if I could just give it a shot, right? Come on, help me out here, give destiny some credit.. no ok, I'll ask for a second opinion, I'm sure that's my therapist's best answer.
Now seriously, it's time for me to finally grow up and learn how to wait, I'm not in a dentist waiting room, I'm not in the line for ice cream, and, sorry if you can't tell, but I'm not 5 anymore, right? I should have learned ways to wait patiently for something to happen by now.
So, he will call... right?
terça-feira, 17 de maio de 2011
Sutil perda
Ok, call me crazy (what tha hack is this blog about, huh?), mas quase chorei hoje por ter perdido uma gerente... calma, ela não faleceu (please!), só mudou de área, mas ela foi muito importante na minha carreira, espero voltar a trabalhar com ela e manter contato. Ok isso soou bem coorporativo, tudo bem que é sobre um assunto coorporativo, mas mais que isso, foi uma mudança estrutural, ela sempre representou a Cia. inteira para mim, em tudo o que eu acredito aqui e eu gosto muito dela. Apesar de eu ser muito solícita a mudanças, essa será de difícil adaptação. Pelo menos para mim. Enfim, fiquei chateada, but life moves on e acho que ela está bem, pelo menos pareceu.
segunda-feira, 9 de maio de 2011
sexta-feira, 6 de maio de 2011
For the final curtain
Dave Matthews Band -- Gravedigger
Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913
Made his great grandchildren believe
You could live to a 103
A hundred and three is forever when you’re just a little kid
So, Cyrus Jones lived forever
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
Muriel Stonewall 1903 to 1954
She lost both of her babies in the second great war
Now, you should never have to watch your only children lowered in the ground
I mean you should never have to bury your own babies
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
Ring around the rosey
Pocket full o'posey
Ashes to ashes
{Musical intro}
We all fall down
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Oh Gravedigger
Little Mikey Carson '67 to '75
He rode his bike like the devil until the day he died
When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze
Oh, 1940 to 1992--
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Grave digger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
I can feel the rain
I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
Gravedigger
Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913
Made his great grandchildren believe
You could live to a 103
A hundred and three is forever when you’re just a little kid
So, Cyrus Jones lived forever
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
Muriel Stonewall 1903 to 1954
She lost both of her babies in the second great war
Now, you should never have to watch your only children lowered in the ground
I mean you should never have to bury your own babies
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
Ring around the rosey
Pocket full o'posey
Ashes to ashes
{Musical intro}
We all fall down
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Oh Gravedigger
Little Mikey Carson '67 to '75
He rode his bike like the devil until the day he died
When he grows up he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze
Oh, 1940 to 1992--
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Grave digger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
I can feel the rain
I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain
Gravedigger
Gravedigger
quinta-feira, 5 de maio de 2011
I get it
Well, so it's ok to think about something you like all the time, right? I know I'm not capable to tell when to stop, but until it's not keeping me from working, studying, etc., it's ok, right?
I think I get it now, just chill and go with the flow... I'm not saying I'm gonna sit down and watch life goes by, not doing anything about it, I can't be that passive, I'm just saying, I finally get I don't have to "over feel" everything, I could just wait a bit and enjoy the ride, right?
Let me get this straight: I was getting obsessed about that guy I met, just like I do about studies and work, but analyzing it (I'd rather say OVER analyzing) with my best friend, he figured it out (and had the decency of telling me his conclusion): I try to control everything all the time, even when I expect the guy to call me, come for me, etc. But it leads to - at least - 2 little issues:
1- I CAN'T make him call me and I can't decide for him what he wants with me, how he's gonna act and when, I just don't have that power;
2- It would be no fun at all if could!
I know it sounds obvious, and it is, but it's not that easy to have that in mind while you're living, in practical terms, it's not that easy.
SO now that's the plan (since I got a plan for every single step in life): I'll just feel each moment, the moment to wait for him to call, to visit my folks instead of going out with him, the moment to save money and don't go out AT ALL... (I hate reticence, I can't deal with "no closure") and the word now is (THE BIRD!!): wait. Wait, think, save money, be with your crazy parents, with your dog, then think about it again. Yeah, I can do that! =D
I think I get it now, just chill and go with the flow... I'm not saying I'm gonna sit down and watch life goes by, not doing anything about it, I can't be that passive, I'm just saying, I finally get I don't have to "over feel" everything, I could just wait a bit and enjoy the ride, right?
Let me get this straight: I was getting obsessed about that guy I met, just like I do about studies and work, but analyzing it (I'd rather say OVER analyzing) with my best friend, he figured it out (and had the decency of telling me his conclusion): I try to control everything all the time, even when I expect the guy to call me, come for me, etc. But it leads to - at least - 2 little issues:
1- I CAN'T make him call me and I can't decide for him what he wants with me, how he's gonna act and when, I just don't have that power;
2- It would be no fun at all if could!
I know it sounds obvious, and it is, but it's not that easy to have that in mind while you're living, in practical terms, it's not that easy.
SO now that's the plan (since I got a plan for every single step in life): I'll just feel each moment, the moment to wait for him to call, to visit my folks instead of going out with him, the moment to save money and don't go out AT ALL... (I hate reticence, I can't deal with "no closure") and the word now is (THE BIRD!!): wait. Wait, think, save money, be with your crazy parents, with your dog, then think about it again. Yeah, I can do that! =D
segunda-feira, 2 de maio de 2011
And then again...
Well, thanks for nothing, guys, remember my last post in which I've asked for changes? I even gave some directions on how to advise me. Well, about tip #2 - "DON'T tell me to hook up with someone, instead of wasting my creative sarcastic answers, be pro-active, INTRODUCE ME TO SOMEONE HOT, it would help if it's someone who already shows a shade of interest on me" - I didn't have to wait for you, my sweet and lazy friends, I've moved my itty bitty ass and found it myself! But just like everything else in my life, I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT IN EVERY LITTLE PIECE OF DETAIL. Even those encouraging tips to myself!
About three days right after that post, I've met a guy, great guy, I'll try to make it short: he fell for me, kinda chased me, I ignored him, then I decided to go after him, I fell for him, for a day or two we were both deeply in love for each other, he started to seem distant, I tried again, I chased him, he ignored me, until he broke up with me through Facebook chat. =D
I've just ruined it due to my obsession, I know that, but I'm learning from my fails, bring it to therapy, blah, blah, now I'm finally back in track.
I've being going out with a few guys, some disasters and some just weren't meant to be, but now... I was caught out of guard by I guy I thought would just turn out to be some fun, just a guy I met at night... I expected to have just a fuck buddy to rely on, actually. But right on the second date he seemed to want more and also seemed to be one of the best guys I've ever met, he's perfect! Now I'm falling for him but I don't know if it's because he's actually that cool or if it's just because he's giving me attention, you know? And then again.. IT WAS JUST THE SECOND FREAKING DATE FOR CHIRST SAKE!!! I'm getting obsessed again, not about him yet, but about the idea of it. I'm doomed. I might break up with him before it gets worse.
No, I'm not learning shit from my fails.
About three days right after that post, I've met a guy, great guy, I'll try to make it short: he fell for me, kinda chased me, I ignored him, then I decided to go after him, I fell for him, for a day or two we were both deeply in love for each other, he started to seem distant, I tried again, I chased him, he ignored me, until he broke up with me through Facebook chat. =D
I've just ruined it due to my obsession, I know that, but I'm learning from my fails, bring it to therapy, blah, blah, now I'm finally back in track.
I've being going out with a few guys, some disasters and some just weren't meant to be, but now... I was caught out of guard by I guy I thought would just turn out to be some fun, just a guy I met at night... I expected to have just a fuck buddy to rely on, actually. But right on the second date he seemed to want more and also seemed to be one of the best guys I've ever met, he's perfect! Now I'm falling for him but I don't know if it's because he's actually that cool or if it's just because he's giving me attention, you know? And then again.. IT WAS JUST THE SECOND FREAKING DATE FOR CHIRST SAKE!!! I'm getting obsessed again, not about him yet, but about the idea of it. I'm doomed. I might break up with him before it gets worse.
No, I'm not learning shit from my fails.
terça-feira, 1 de fevereiro de 2011
Changes
I'm not exactly in the mood to write, I don't even have time for that, but if I don't I think what's inside is gonna rot and take whatever is left of a good thought with it, so, here it goes: I need changes. I don't mean I need to change my hair cut, change the color of it (I rather say PUT some color on it, the greys are starting to take over!), I don't need new clothes nor a new bedroom layout (I'll try to put some furniture in it this time ;D), I need a new LIFE.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna kill myself and start again, I don't even believe on that, but seriously, I have to do something great to change things, I'm getting bored and depressed and I have to do something before that wave we've talked about takes over and drowns me like it has done in the past.
I've tried traveling (awful experience when your're depressed, a great waste of money and a mood tester), I've tried looking out for dates (it's impressive how people are boring when you're bored), I've even tried self-help worshops (YEAH, imagine ME, dear Chantal, in one of those), neither was exciting enough to even get me started, to even inspire me. So please raise your hand whoever has an idea to change my life completely, just follow a few tips before opening your naughty mouth:
1 - DON'T tell me to change my job, I love it, it's the only good thing happening to me, the only place people cheer me up for what I'm good at, besides the great monetary payoff it brings, and - I apologize to admit it - I LOVE getting well paid, I'm sorry if you don't;
2- DON'T tell me to hook up with someone, instead of wasting my creative sarcastic answers, be pro-active, INTRODUCE ME TO SOMEONE HOT, it would help if it's someone who already shows a shade of interest on me;
3- DON'T advise me to get professional help, I already pay a therapist just to realize I can make a 60-something-year-old gentleman look perplex, with that lost face of "I'm not sure what else we could do, my dear...", and I can can tell, it's expensive;
4- DON'T lend me self-help books. THEY ALL SUCK;
5- (Similar to tip #2) DON'T tell me to hang out with my friends more often, start by introducing me to fun/ smart/ cool/ inteligent people and then convince them I'm all that too;
6- PLEASE, D-O-N-N-O-T tell me I complain too much, because there's people in the world that eat their on shit to survive or whatever, that's their problem, I do whatever I can to help whenever I get the chance, but it doesn't mean I can't get my problems fixed until they get theirs.
So, don't rush, people, everyone is gonna have a chance to make a statement... who wants to start?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna kill myself and start again, I don't even believe on that, but seriously, I have to do something great to change things, I'm getting bored and depressed and I have to do something before that wave we've talked about takes over and drowns me like it has done in the past.
I've tried traveling (awful experience when your're depressed, a great waste of money and a mood tester), I've tried looking out for dates (it's impressive how people are boring when you're bored), I've even tried self-help worshops (YEAH, imagine ME, dear Chantal, in one of those), neither was exciting enough to even get me started, to even inspire me. So please raise your hand whoever has an idea to change my life completely, just follow a few tips before opening your naughty mouth:
1 - DON'T tell me to change my job, I love it, it's the only good thing happening to me, the only place people cheer me up for what I'm good at, besides the great monetary payoff it brings, and - I apologize to admit it - I LOVE getting well paid, I'm sorry if you don't;
2- DON'T tell me to hook up with someone, instead of wasting my creative sarcastic answers, be pro-active, INTRODUCE ME TO SOMEONE HOT, it would help if it's someone who already shows a shade of interest on me;
3- DON'T advise me to get professional help, I already pay a therapist just to realize I can make a 60-something-year-old gentleman look perplex, with that lost face of "I'm not sure what else we could do, my dear...", and I can can tell, it's expensive;
4- DON'T lend me self-help books. THEY ALL SUCK;
5- (Similar to tip #2) DON'T tell me to hang out with my friends more often, start by introducing me to fun/ smart/ cool/ inteligent people and then convince them I'm all that too;
6- PLEASE, D-O-N-N-O-T tell me I complain too much, because there's people in the world that eat their on shit to survive or whatever, that's their problem, I do whatever I can to help whenever I get the chance, but it doesn't mean I can't get my problems fixed until they get theirs.
So, don't rush, people, everyone is gonna have a chance to make a statement... who wants to start?
segunda-feira, 10 de janeiro de 2011
Keep on trying...
Just move on, don't over analyze everything, just keep on trying.
What am I talking about now, again? Oh, right, about one of the bad mood swings, it's not exactly a crises, just an indefined eminence of a crises. It can turn into a huge wave slipping me down hill, or it could just lose its strenght and get lost in time like so many other, the thing is that I still don't know what it's going to turn out to be and, honestly, I know it depends on me, I just don't know what I can do to turn it off.
I was not posting anything for a long time now, to be honest, because I was waiting for a good swing to post something under the "up" tab. Yes, I'm trying to keep one post "up", one post "down" and through some "something in between" and some "songs that express my heart (insert comment about tacky title)" in between, for everytime I could not define my state of mood, or either my state of mood was not an alternative to the latest post. Oh, yes (again), I'm trying to alternate "up" and "down" posts, because that's how I feel most of the time and that's how I decided how the blog is going to presented, so I would be infracting a rule if I did not respect that dynamic.
But, unfortunately, I'm still human and I still can't decide or predict my mood swings. That's what this blog was supposed to be, or to serve for, to help me express all that mood mess and help me understand and "solve" some of it. So, f*$% it, I'll not respect the "alternate mood swing" posts rule once.
Well, if you can't tell, I'm down, lol...
What am I talking about now, again? Oh, right, about one of the bad mood swings, it's not exactly a crises, just an indefined eminence of a crises. It can turn into a huge wave slipping me down hill, or it could just lose its strenght and get lost in time like so many other, the thing is that I still don't know what it's going to turn out to be and, honestly, I know it depends on me, I just don't know what I can do to turn it off.
I was not posting anything for a long time now, to be honest, because I was waiting for a good swing to post something under the "up" tab. Yes, I'm trying to keep one post "up", one post "down" and through some "something in between" and some "songs that express my heart (insert comment about tacky title)" in between, for everytime I could not define my state of mood, or either my state of mood was not an alternative to the latest post. Oh, yes (again), I'm trying to alternate "up" and "down" posts, because that's how I feel most of the time and that's how I decided how the blog is going to presented, so I would be infracting a rule if I did not respect that dynamic.
But, unfortunately, I'm still human and I still can't decide or predict my mood swings. That's what this blog was supposed to be, or to serve for, to help me express all that mood mess and help me understand and "solve" some of it. So, f*$% it, I'll not respect the "alternate mood swing" posts rule once.
Well, if you can't tell, I'm down, lol...
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